Many of you may know me from my first blog series, 365 days living in the moment. In the series I posted something every single day for a year. A lot of those posts had to do with the idea of being president in a moment and not letting the simple moments pass by, instead acknowledging them. I believe Life is in the little moments that people often dismiss.
What I didn’t talk about as much through that series is the fear of the unknown. Why because anxiety live in the future, depression lives in the past, and as I sit here I live in the present. I have had to keep reminding myself of that lately. My anxiety has been really high. Especially around work. All I want is a permanent position. Then as I talk to friends of mine and think about it I realize “permanent” is not what it used to be. And if I keep worrying about something in the future I have very little control over not only am I going to miss out on the present, but I’m going to shoot myself in the foot trying so hard to get permanent that I let my mental health go by the wayside.
So right now I’m practising being OK with not knowing, and being OK with not having everything laid out, being OK with literally living one day at a time. All of this is super hard for me especially because I’m a Virgo and I like everything to be planned out almost to a T. Living day today is definitely not that. But living day to day might be what I need to be me again, to remember to live in the moment, it to remember to press the pause button and to be kinder to myself, my flaws, quakes, and strengths. I’ll let you know how it goes but for now I can say a change in mindset would do me some good.
If you have been following my journey with the smart drive you know it has been a love-hate relationship. Mostly love. I believe I mentioned in one of my previous blog posts I was getting and you mount as the original one seemed to have a loose screw. This is an issue because if the mount is loose the smart driver wheel itself cannot fully extend and therefore can easily fall off the chair or cause damage to the unit it’s self. My original mount was becoming loose after it would use it emergency stop feature. This would be in acted accidentally but still obviously be an issue.
Yesterday I got a new mount after contacting smart drive and explaining my issue. They are so easy-going and we’re happy to help me and send a new mount. It was only after inspecting the old mount and comparing it to the new mount I realized there definitely was a screw loose in the old(Original) amount. The difference is night and day.
I accidentally started the smart drive while typing on my computer and it did smack me into my desk a few times before I realized I could get myself out of this situation by stopping/turning off the chair. Rookie mistake. Totally my fault. I should know better. My point begins after this movement, not being able to move forward, but also not really bumping into anything to In at the emergency stop. The Matt went to was fine no clicking or loud noises which I became accustomed to when the same type of thing would happen with the old mount. Also, when I went to Starbucks and crusts a notoriously bad intersection, bad for the fact, there is a very large pothole like dip right before the end of the crosswalk. I always get stuck in this pothole today was no exception, except that when I did the amount was able to fully extend forward in essence launching me and my chair forward into the air but then immediately bouncing back enabling me to get out of the rut, grab my wallet which fell out of my chair through all of this and continue with my day.
I’m sure it was terrifying to some of the passersby but to me it was hilarious and after all of this the smart drive and it’s mount still drive as smooth as they did this morning before all of this. This is what makes my day. No matter my work life or what else is going on do you know that in one way I can have freedom of movement is enough for me.
I was coming home from a very interesting week, to say the least and I was already kind of pissed that I would be home later than I thought, because I had to catch a later bus. But whatever I was going to get home.
I was listening to music minding my own business and I guess I wasn’t paying as careful attention as I normally would be but I came across a crack in the sidewalk that was apparently too much for the smart drive so it stopped and I ended up sliding out of my chair down my casters like right onto my butt on the sidewalk. It was actually a very graceful fall. I know what car did see me and I just waved at them and said it was OK and they went about their business. Quite honestly I thought it was OK. I popped right back into my chair my earbuds didn’t even fall out but then as I went to keep going for some reason I didn’t think to get the smart drive out of the rat it was apparently stuck in so it’s backed up words which made the attachment turn down word and that of course makes the smart drive come off. It won’t stay on while pushing you in that state but it will if you push yourself. Thankfully I was really close to my apartment so I was able to get home without too much difficulty and my friend was able to tighten the attachment back up so this my drive works now.
Of course when I got home though is when the pain from the fall started to say that in because it had been maybe 5-10 minutes so by the time my friend came with a wrench to fix the smart drive I was in a lot of pain. Thankfully it’s not as bad now but I know I am going to get bruises on my back because of all of this and I don’t recommend it as a way of transferring out of your chair if you are looking for an alternate one.
I like to think I can handle judgment. I’ve had to overcome most of my life. Recently though I ran into a situation where someone who I have never even interacted with was so sure that I couldn’t do my position that I shouldn’t be working. Of course this is not true and nothing has happened because of it yet except for my loss of sleep and Stress levels probably went up like 1,000,000%. I also probably got gray hair because of it, thankfully I had an appointment with Nikki two days after this happened so any gray hair has now been concealed.
I just don’t understand why people do this to their people. People who I have spoken to about this will say that people just like drama. There must be more to it though, because you’re talking about another person can indirectly directly affect them I’m. And why would people want to affect people in a negative way I don’t understand.
The moment you realize you have not posted on your blog for upwards of 11 days and you don’t know what you have been doing with your life. I post on this blog because I love it but also because I “have to do it” or else I don’t feel like myself.
Lately I have been trying to figure out why I don’t feel like myself Lol I can’t believe I didn’t realize it sooner and as I write this post I am immediately feeling better.
I have this quote hanging in my office and Megan always keeps reminding me to do the things that feed your soul. I guess I was so used to doing 365 days and it became such a routine in my life that I could never get to this point of feeling not bad about myself but just a little more stressed and anxiety ridden. So I thought I could do this series every couple of days but it turns out that I need to post something every day just to keep me in the right headspace.
If you don’t know what haven’t realized by now this blog is almost like my online journal and without it I now know that I am much more of the person I have been working so hard to get away from. The person who was people pleasing, anxiety ridden, worrying about what people thought of her, and putting on a mask to get through life.
We know I don’t do that anymore. Been there done that have the T-shirt and don’t want to go back. All this to say you’re going to be seeing a lot more of me and my crazy life in the days to come. Because, this blog is one of the things that makes me me and in Macon’s words feeds my soul and without it I’m not me at least not to me I want to be so here’s to more posting and les conforming to the standards of other people just for their own peace of mind.
This morning accessible transit picked me up or was supposed to at 6:30 which is actually a reasonable time compared to what I had had earlier this week. So what happens when I find myself leisurely getting out of bed at 6:03… Nothing I got ready and was at least ready by 620 oh that was left was to feed the cats and grab my things as I am doing that I check the time thinking I’d see 625 no I saw 6:33 AM. My excess a bowl transit service only wait five minutes past your scheduled pick up time so I wasn’t late but I ran down there. As best I could I mean. Do you find out that of course today of all days they are on time and not running late. Here comes the task of trying to find an accessible vehicle to take me to work and today it was strangely actually easy.
Once I get to work you think that would be it well it turns out it was only the steroids to what most would call one bad day but I have been having one bad day for the last three or four days needless to say I am glad tomorrow is Friday. We all need a break.
I will say though I’m surprised I did not make more out of this no-show then I actually did. I was fairly calm for once in my life through the whole thing of course other things made me more anxious and I ended up subbing in my cubicle for a good 15 minutes but that is another post. For now three cheers for under spell drinks and decent pick up times.
You know that moment on a hot day when you decide to go somewhere anywhere and the Jets a Frappuccino, and iced coffee, and ice cream cone something to cool you down.
That was me today and I confidently put my Starbucks refresher in my cupholder and sped off into the parking lot only to spill the entire during on the ground and or my foot plate not having had taken a single step out of it. I know first world problems. But I really got to me. Like I can’t even carry my own drink. Like what is my life coming to. Then I call someone expecting maybe a little bit of sympathy and only getting, were you driving too fast. Like not the point. If you’ve been there you know the feeling. #MyCPLife #NightmaresFromTheChair
This post will be very different from anything I have posted on my blog and or my site ever before and could be triggeringIf you have ever dealt with an eating disorder of any kind.
Earlier this week I went to my pain specialist, I have a muscle condition, and use a wheelchair, as well as mental health issues.
I was talking to the nurse in front of the scale he was asking me if I added anything to my chair or if he could just use the weight he had on file for the chair. They weigh the wheelchair separately once and then they subtract to get your actual weight. I was nervous because I never actually weighed myself and since recovery I have gained weight I’m probably way more than I ever have. I’m trying to be OK with that. When my doctor came in and said,
Doctor: “ah don’t weigh her” (walking out)”you should’ve put on some weight, I hope you did”
Me: I did!
This was the single nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. It’s big because with my condition I still walk but when I walk and move my body because it’s different from “normal“ doctors want people to stay at the weight that is comfortable for them and their body type if not maybe a little under that so our skeletal structure and support the way we move for longer. I’ve been at a low weight all my life so do you hear the specialist in my condition say it’s OK to be bigger is big.
I have been looking forward to today (Friday) probably since Tuesday. I need this weekend to Just do some things from itself. Be creative, do you my own thing in my own way you know just relax.
Imagine my surprise when I got accessible transit times that were actually good. Hindsight being 2020 the pick up time is my have been good but I still spent an hour and 15 minutes just trying to get to my first destination.
I know I should be grateful for what I have and I am. But sometimes a girl just wants to get home on Friday. I think anyone and everyone can understand that. I even think my parents restrain to get a little annoyed because we have things to do. It was just having to deal with a long ride that would be one thing -people then start talking to you and did you just want to tell them like no I just want to sit in silence but that’s kind of rude so do you try and chat or give one word answers that they’re not picking up on.
Finally getting to my parents house after running to the drugstore wise the best.
OK so dramatic title aside this actually happened.
I should also take a moment to say I am sorry I am not posting daily like I thought I was going to but bad things don’t happen every day and such is life. Which is a nice segue into my nightmare for today.
I went out during lunch to check the bus stops for stop numbers to plan my route home. I took the smart drive on the bus for the first time from work (I always don’t when I’m taking a new route that will be going to and from my work I always start with mastering the trip home first because I am less stressed on the way home then on the way to work)
The good thing is I found the stops. The nightmare, the stop I will use to go home is across a very large crosswalk with buttons on both sides, Which is awesome. Not so awesome is dropping your phone in the middle of it having a friendly pedestrian pick it up for you and then on the way back dropping it again but dropping it in such a way that it is right in front of you yet you cannot get it. I was safely on the other side while my phone was not it was literally 6 inches from being run over by multiple vehicles.
Thankfully though that did not happen and I was able to flag down a passerby to pick it up for me. Needless to say, I now put it behind my back instead of under a leg when travelling to any bus stop.
I was able to complete my first bus trip with the smoke drive and it went well. I don’t foresee having to buy an accessible transit pass in July.
As I reflect on this incident I am shocked not only at how much our phones hold and mean to us these days but also with the value and simplicity of something like a bus ride to put everything into perspective.