The moment you realize you have not posted on your blog for upwards of 11 days and you don’t know what you have been doing with your life. I post on this blog because I love it but also because I “have to do it” or else I don’t feel like myself.
Lately I have been trying to figure out why I don’t feel like myself Lol I can’t believe I didn’t realize it sooner and as I write this post I am immediately feeling better.
I have this quote hanging in my office and Megan always keeps reminding me to do the things that feed your soul. I guess I was so used to doing 365 days and it became such a routine in my life that I could never get to this point of feeling not bad about myself but just a little more stressed and anxiety ridden. So I thought I could do this series every couple of days but it turns out that I need to post something every day just to keep me in the right headspace.
If you don’t know what haven’t realized by now this blog is almost like my online journal and without it I now know that I am much more of the person I have been working so hard to get away from. The person who was people pleasing, anxiety ridden, worrying about what people thought of her, and putting on a mask to get through life.
We know I don’t do that anymore. Been there done that have the T-shirt and don’t want to go back. All this to say you’re going to be seeing a lot more of me and my crazy life in the days to come. Because, this blog is one of the things that makes me me and in Macon’s words feeds my soul and without it I’m not me at least not to me I want to be so here’s to more posting and les conforming to the standards of other people just for their own peace of mind.
This morning accessible transit picked me up or was supposed to at 6:30 which is actually a reasonable time compared to what I had had earlier this week. So what happens when I find myself leisurely getting out of bed at 6:03… Nothing I got ready and was at least ready by 620 oh that was left was to feed the cats and grab my things as I am doing that I check the time thinking I’d see 625 no I saw 6:33 AM. My excess a bowl transit service only wait five minutes past your scheduled pick up time so I wasn’t late but I ran down there. As best I could I mean. Do you find out that of course today of all days they are on time and not running late. Here comes the task of trying to find an accessible vehicle to take me to work and today it was strangely actually easy.
Once I get to work you think that would be it well it turns out it was only the steroids to what most would call one bad day but I have been having one bad day for the last three or four days needless to say I am glad tomorrow is Friday. We all need a break.
I will say though I’m surprised I did not make more out of this no-show then I actually did. I was fairly calm for once in my life through the whole thing of course other things made me more anxious and I ended up subbing in my cubicle for a good 15 minutes but that is another post. For now three cheers for under spell drinks and decent pick up times.
You know that moment on a hot day when you decide to go somewhere anywhere and the Jets a Frappuccino, and iced coffee, and ice cream cone something to cool you down.
That was me today and I confidently put my Starbucks refresher in my cupholder and sped off into the parking lot only to spill the entire during on the ground and or my foot plate not having had taken a single step out of it. I know first world problems. But I really got to me. Like I can’t even carry my own drink. Like what is my life coming to. Then I call someone expecting maybe a little bit of sympathy and only getting, were you driving too fast. Like not the point. If you’ve been there you know the feeling. #MyCPLife #NightmaresFromTheChair
This post will be very different from anything I have posted on my blog and or my site ever before and could be triggeringIf you have ever dealt with an eating disorder of any kind.
Earlier this week I went to my pain specialist, I have a muscle condition, and use a wheelchair, as well as mental health issues.
I was talking to the nurse in front of the scale he was asking me if I added anything to my chair or if he could just use the weight he had on file for the chair. They weigh the wheelchair separately once and then they subtract to get your actual weight. I was nervous because I never actually weighed myself and since recovery I have gained weight I’m probably way more than I ever have. I’m trying to be OK with that. When my doctor came in and said,
Doctor: “ah don’t weigh her” (walking out)”you should’ve put on some weight, I hope you did”
Me: I did!
This was the single nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. It’s big because with my condition I still walk but when I walk and move my body because it’s different from “normal“ doctors want people to stay at the weight that is comfortable for them and their body type if not maybe a little under that so our skeletal structure and support the way we move for longer. I’ve been at a low weight all my life so do you hear the specialist in my condition say it’s OK to be bigger is big.
I have been looking forward to today (Friday) probably since Tuesday. I need this weekend to Just do some things from itself. Be creative, do you my own thing in my own way you know just relax.
Imagine my surprise when I got accessible transit times that were actually good. Hindsight being 2020 the pick up time is my have been good but I still spent an hour and 15 minutes just trying to get to my first destination.
I know I should be grateful for what I have and I am. But sometimes a girl just wants to get home on Friday. I think anyone and everyone can understand that. I even think my parents restrain to get a little annoyed because we have things to do. It was just having to deal with a long ride that would be one thing -people then start talking to you and did you just want to tell them like no I just want to sit in silence but that’s kind of rude so do you try and chat or give one word answers that they’re not picking up on.
Finally getting to my parents house after running to the drugstore wise the best.
OK so dramatic title aside this actually happened.
I should also take a moment to say I am sorry I am not posting daily like I thought I was going to but bad things don’t happen every day and such is life. Which is a nice segue into my nightmare for today.
I went out during lunch to check the bus stops for stop numbers to plan my route home. I took the smart drive on the bus for the first time from work (I always don’t when I’m taking a new route that will be going to and from my work I always start with mastering the trip home first because I am less stressed on the way home then on the way to work)
The good thing is I found the stops. The nightmare, the stop I will use to go home is across a very large crosswalk with buttons on both sides, Which is awesome. Not so awesome is dropping your phone in the middle of it having a friendly pedestrian pick it up for you and then on the way back dropping it again but dropping it in such a way that it is right in front of you yet you cannot get it. I was safely on the other side while my phone was not it was literally 6 inches from being run over by multiple vehicles.
Thankfully though that did not happen and I was able to flag down a passerby to pick it up for me. Needless to say, I now put it behind my back instead of under a leg when travelling to any bus stop.
I was able to complete my first bus trip with the smoke drive and it went well. I don’t foresee having to buy an accessible transit pass in July.
As I reflect on this incident I am shocked not only at how much our phones hold and mean to us these days but also with the value and simplicity of something like a bus ride to put everything into perspective.
It was gloomy today and it looks to be that way for the rest of the week. Gloomy days always affect me for some reason I don’t want to do anything and I just can’t really sad and sometimes depressed so it was no surprise when I woke up this morning at 5 o’clock because thank you body clock. I couldn’t stop my mind from racing through everything I needed to do but at the same time I couldn’t keep track of what I needed to do. But then only wanted to do was sleep. So I literally said to myself WWMD
I got my notebook and started making a list. And once everything was down on paper even though the list was a long-ish ( note, to all those who might try this technique: start with something super easy that you have already done or are about to do so that you can at least check that off. I find that helps me to get and stay motivated)
I’m sure enough before I knew it that list was done I think I was actually through all of my tasks that I could personally do and didn’t need help with by 11 AM. I was waiting for a friend to help me fix the mount on my smart drive. That’s another story. And I was waiting for The Internet guy because I am switching providers. He never did come but they say they’re coming tomorrow. Hopefully that works out. I have a few things coming tomorrow so we’ll see. But that’s another day. And I guess what today has proven to me and life continues to teach me this lesson is to take things one step at a time one task at a time and then even the impossible becomes possible.
I got my replacement smart drive and tested out today. It works great and I can only imagine the adventures I’m going to have with it. As of right now I am still taking accessible transportation for the rest of the month just because of when did the smart drive came in. It also gives me some time to get used to this new tool and really get comfortable with how it works.
It turns out route this is getting used to phase may start much earlier than I had first anticipated. I confirmed pick up Times to and from work for tomorrow To find my leaving time later than I would have expected. I then thought “well, it’s not an issue I have the smoke drive.” Which was swiftly followed by, but you really haven’t used it yet, what if something happens and, you don’t really know that route. So I begin to lean towards no. I’ll just take accessible transportation home.
Then I feel bad because I have this new tool which I helped purchase and if I don’t use it it’s a waste. Then I thought WWMD and it came to me as simply as anything, Bring the smart drive to work and if you still feel like it’s too soon as the day goes on take accessible transportation home. But if you don’t want to wait take the bus. I also know I am going to hesitate like this the first time I go on any new bus route and or the first time I try the smart drive in “public” with someone with me.
Knowing all this, the question is, when will I be ready to take the leap.
I know myself as a person. I also know myself and my ability to work with and control my own mobility equipment. Walker, wheelchair, crutches, even walking on my own. Yes I still do that. Within all of those things I know what I can do and what I cannot do I also know what happens when you in someway disturb the way I am doing something. In some situations it will turn out badly. Just because it looks like I do not have control does not mean that is the case.
Case in point, when I am going down a steep ramp I will be going fast and that is the law of physics. I have gone down that ramp several hundred times in my life so I know where to stop in order to stop before I hit anything and or when I need to add speed in order to keep the moment I’m going so I can push myself up the ramp of an accessible van, Bus, or Taxi Taxi. Not everyone knows this and I don’t expect them to. However, if I tell you not to help me because I am going to let momentum “help me” please don’t try and get behind my chair flipping up the fold down push handles. That motion can knock me off balance just enough to cause me to crash and in the instance that that happens and I miss the ramp. Do you know what then say see you missed the ramp, and go off on me about my driving ability because all that happened was a human intervened when does the law of physics was being used to push an object forward and we all know that when that happens the object can miss it’s target.
To add insult to stupidity do not do this before seven in the morning and expect a person to just let you do this without some kind of discussion during or afterwards. You have poked the bear now you have to deal with the consequences. Moral of the story, if you go to help and or preferably ask to help someone and they say no or no thank you or make it clear that they do not need your help when you make a motion to give help. Don’t. They may be doing something they have either practised for years or they have trained their body to do and by you interrupting the process you are impinging on that persons ability to maneuver their life, you could also cause damage or harm. So ask first and if the answer is no be OK with that.
I am so OK with no I think it’s weird some people. If we had plans and you had to cancel for some reason I’m fine with that I can find something else to do. If I ask you to come somewhere and you can’t that’s fine I am not offended. I have learned on my life that the people who want to be and those who don’t or won’t, won’t and that’s OK because I believe life brings you people for a reason so if you are not in my life there’s no reason for you to be.
When I was a kid and freaked out because half the class didn’t want to come to my birthday party my mom said the half that want to come and will be there want to be there and those are the people you want around you.
I love my job and I think I’m getting better at it being that I am fairly new. My job takes a lot of attention to detail which is something that I love and have. Many people may beg to differ but that’s just their opinion, others would agree with me. That’s just how the world turns.
So last week I was working on something and totally saw three of the same thing meaning I could copy and paste my work once I finished it for the first one. Well, today I found that not to be true, what I thought was three of the same thing was actually three different things meaning I had to do the work all over again. Which I’m not mad about what I was more frustrated at was the fact my eyes let me down. I know I can’t help it and it’s part of my CP, but not everybody knows that and I feel like they judge me for it. I could tell them but I don’t want everybody to know meanwhile I also don’t want to be thought of as I have a “liability”or like I am making up excuses for mistakes. Total nightmare. At least there’s always tomorrow.